Idea

The point of this blog is that I've noticed that it's amazing to re-read the things I've written in the course of time. Now I find my posts from even last month to be strange to me. Maybe the instant my thoughts are written down in text, I look at them differently. Like they're not what's in me any more. Like I judge myself.

Speaking of judging myself, I have been studying actively, for, to be fair, the last two months. I have given a multitude of examinations over the past year and a half that have warranted much more than even this tiny bit of discipline I have now. More so because I don't think I have even scratched the surface of how much I should have. I have so, so far to go. And it always seems like there's not enough time to do it in. Times like this are when you sit down and tell yourself,

"You needed to start earlier. You seem to be doing fine now. Imagine if you'd been doing this for a year or the three before that. You've been working out and watching your diet for a year, watching your diet for about 2 months. Why didn't you start when you were 16?"

It's easy to use the brush of introspection to paint yourself into a corner of self-pity. But you know what. I'm better now. Better than I was 6 months ago. And I'm 21 years old. I intend to live for a fair bit of time, but if that is not to be I'm not going to act like I regret any of it. I've had a good time. I've made a few decisions now, and I will always, always look back at myself with satisfaction. I have a long way to go. A long time for any of my choices to manifest themselves as rewards. To be 6'1" and 90 kilo of muscle. To provide for myself and my loved ones and give myself the freedom to explore my passions without worrying about my livelihood. It's easy to think you haven't left a mark on the world because you aren't a household name, or popular in certain circles of your interest. But no matter how brief the moment, you leave a mark on people. The world would not be the same without you in it.

I need to believe in that.

Edit : I am pleased to note I have been keeping a lid on my temper and my whiny, whiny voice lately. I hate my whiny voice. I swear the moment I hear myself post-annoying-incoherent-whine about something minor I wish I could slap myself.