Understand

When I was 16, I found out I was being told to drop a year or leave the school. I did not know what to do.

I was supposed to be in class so I wasn't expected home. I went to the nearby Cafe Coffee Day but realised I had no money. I sat on the sofa they had outside. Nobody understood. I cried.

I cried for a long time, till I ran out of breath and I still had no idea what I was going to do. A woman walked up to me with a glass of water, sat beside me and asked me to drink. She asked about me, I didn't say anything, I just thanked her for the water and told her I would be fine. She gave me half a smile, didn't ask any further, and walked away slowly.

Thank you so much.

Hunting.

Nothing like the thrill of the hunt.

I will find you, awesome old song I heard on All India Radio last night at 1 a.m. that made me feel peaceful and amazed. I will find you, and I will listen the fuck out of you.

June

So it's the first of the month. Hello, world.

Exchange

I was walking to the gym when this young man my age walked out of Sassoon docks, fishing pole in hand. An older guy walking across the road to him asked from the distance

"So what did you catch today?"
"Two eels", the boy replied
"Long fuckers, no?"

I enjoyed that little bit of conversation that I was caught between. It stayed with me, and I figured I may as well write it down.

Mixed emotions

Jamie Carragher, Ballack, Beckham, Ferguson, Scholes (again), Frings, Roberto Carlos...everybody's retiring.

End of an era.

On another note, I discovered that as of today, the wikipedia entry for 'Nepotism' does not have a sub-section for India. That was funny enough to make my day.

One down

Iron Man 3 wasn't as awesome as I'd hoped it'd be but it was a spectacle regardless. Robert Downey Jr. was his usual awesome self. Waiting for Bombay Talkies, the soundtrack was lovely.

Travelling on the Virar - Churchgate train is a right pain in the ass. Thankfully I'm head and shoulders above my average fellow commuter so I get to breathe easy and it doesn't take that much effort to push through. Liverpool beat Newcastle 6-0 so that felt good.

Let's travel down that chain of thought for a minute.

I have supported Liverpool since 2002 the year my fascination for football truly kicked in. We moved houses early because Ten Sports, with all its rights to the World Cup wasn't showing in Malad but it was in Santacruz. We plugged in our ancient Onida T.V and watched the games in our empty house. Oh man, Oliver Kahn. Instant German fan, they made it all the way to finals too, what a pick. Really liked how Michael Owen played too and the more I read the more I liked him. Found out he plays for Liverpool, decided to follow their games. A good couple of years of supporting them and I the experience of watching the 2005 Champions League final was truly something else altogether.

08-09, it was awesome to finish Christmas on top of the table. So many needlessly dropped points though. Anyway, anybody who knows me knows my love for Liverpool F.C. Someday I'll see them win the league.

My favourite international team apart from India, is Germany. Someday I'll see us qualify for the World Cup. My favourite Indian club is Mohun Bagan, though Bapi (Dad) is an East Bengal supporter. Oliver Kahn is basically the best player to grace the game in eyes. What a guy. Too bad I only got to follow him toward the fag end of his career.

Fun Fact, his last game for his club was against Mohun Bagan.

That's all I've got today.

Annoyed

Today while pulling into the building, some middle aged guy was abusive towards us because our driver had honked (to get the watchman's attention). It was unecessary, I was in fact, apologising to him when he cut me off. He scurried away as soon as I raised my voice in turn. My mother was in the car.

I like how I dealt with him, I was polite. But I secretly hope I run into him again. I acknowledge that, but I'd actually prefer not to. I don't want to be a person that gets romantic about confrontational situations. Taxi Driver comes to mind.

You talkin to me?

Idea

The point of this blog is that I've noticed that it's amazing to re-read the things I've written in the course of time. Now I find my posts from even last month to be strange to me. Maybe the instant my thoughts are written down in text, I look at them differently. Like they're not what's in me any more. Like I judge myself.

Speaking of judging myself, I have been studying actively, for, to be fair, the last two months. I have given a multitude of examinations over the past year and a half that have warranted much more than even this tiny bit of discipline I have now. More so because I don't think I have even scratched the surface of how much I should have. I have so, so far to go. And it always seems like there's not enough time to do it in. Times like this are when you sit down and tell yourself,

"You needed to start earlier. You seem to be doing fine now. Imagine if you'd been doing this for a year or the three before that. You've been working out and watching your diet for a year, watching your diet for about 2 months. Why didn't you start when you were 16?"

It's easy to use the brush of introspection to paint yourself into a corner of self-pity. But you know what. I'm better now. Better than I was 6 months ago. And I'm 21 years old. I intend to live for a fair bit of time, but if that is not to be I'm not going to act like I regret any of it. I've had a good time. I've made a few decisions now, and I will always, always look back at myself with satisfaction. I have a long way to go. A long time for any of my choices to manifest themselves as rewards. To be 6'1" and 90 kilo of muscle. To provide for myself and my loved ones and give myself the freedom to explore my passions without worrying about my livelihood. It's easy to think you haven't left a mark on the world because you aren't a household name, or popular in certain circles of your interest. But no matter how brief the moment, you leave a mark on people. The world would not be the same without you in it.

I need to believe in that.

Edit : I am pleased to note I have been keeping a lid on my temper and my whiny, whiny voice lately. I hate my whiny voice. I swear the moment I hear myself post-annoying-incoherent-whine about something minor I wish I could slap myself.

Chorus

Mamata banerjee should take some tips from Modi on how to handle PR. I'd vote for the man if running for pm. Least worst option at present in my opinion.

Bass Guitar
Peepli
Ae banjo, chal

ORCHESTRA.

Halla Cholae Chhe Juddhe

Goopy Gyne Bagha Byne (The Adventures of Goopy and Bagha) is my favourite movie of all time.

Let's have that on record.

O re Goopy re...

Bagha re..!

Holi Hai

Fuck I ate so much fucking food my stomach feels like it's going to explode and so much food and fuck and so on and so forth fucking fuck Fuck.

Around the bend

Went through about 120 gigabytes of music and picked the top 15% for the walkman. It is a shuffle so I'm glad it only holds 2 gigs. It was a pretty exhaustive process. Constantly feel the need to swap a song for another. I've decided to keep the collection eclectic.
I've experimented with a purely adrenaline based collection but it loses it's charm when you just need something to listen to while studying. So I decided to be slightly eclectic.

Here's an idea of what it's like

• Symphony #9 (Choral) - Beethoven
• London Symphony Orchestra - Hey Jude (cover, further edited by me to be a little longer, it's fucking A)
• Jigglypuff's Song - Pokémon
• Rocker - AC/DC
• Edelweiss (Christopher Plummer version)
• Arnold Schwarzenegger - Who do YOU want to be in life?
• Pungi - Mika Singh
• Venkateshwara Suprabhatam
• You got a lot to learn - Same Shit Different Day
• One way glass - Manfred Mann Chapter Three
• Wor - Django Django
• Tender - Blur

Gee, that was me hitting shuffle. This list under represents the amount of classic rock in there. But yeah, it proves the diversity point.

I'm pretty satisfied with it. Well, I am right now. Mmhmm.

Falling asleep

I've been listening to my work-out playlist on my Sony Walkman NWZ-W202 (thanks Guha) for far too long now. The Walkman is so convenient I end up listening to it all the time. I think I'm slowly getting used to it as background music. The other day I wasn't able to sleep until I plugged it in one ear. And the playlsit isn't exactly a soothing one.

Do I need to be concerned about this?

Fuck no, I've always wanted a soundtrack to life.

Edit : Had exam#2 yesterday, let's see how that pans out. Another day older, deeper in debt.

Lucid

I've never really been able to spend much time in a dream realising that it is one. My dreams have an annoying habit of suddenly taking a turn for the tragic and I usually end up dying in them. I either wake up or instantly appear in the middle of another dream (a la Inception)

But yesterday night I had a lucid dream.

So there was a roller coaster inside the apartment I was living in. One of the bedrooms was even filled with water and the ride was awesome, it was pretty neat to have a roller coaster inside my house, why didn't more homes have them? Suddenly, however, the car began to plummet as it came off the rails and my harness was quickly coming apart. Upside down, hanging over a bottomless abyss (there was a bottom but we were several thousand feet in the air inside my apartment (you must understand that the room was regular sized though, I could never abide by a ceiling a thousand feet high) when suddenly I started feeling the panic that I suppose you're supposed to feel when you become aware of the inevitable.

That's usually where I wake up or go pee at 3.a.m but today was different, I stayed in the car, dangling over the abyss, certain I was about to actually meet my end. But I didn't want to, it would suck, I had lots of things I wanted to do. I don't want to fall off this roller coaster inside my room

But why would falling inside my room be so dangerous? 

We aren't a thousand feet in the air?  

Why is there a roller coaster inside my room? 

How is there a roller coaster inside my room?

I'm dreaming, no fucking way. And I fell out of the car. But you see, I knew I was dreaming. I knew I was just going to wake up. And then as I fell from nowhere to no place, I surged upwards and I flew for a while.

This reads weird. It was. That's why I'm glad I'm writing things again, because this happened. It felt good. I spread my arms out and tried controlling my flight, I tried forcing surroundings to exist but I just kept (what felt like) soaring through an emptiness, occasionally passing through an arrangement of wooden frames. Reference points I had managed to conjure maybe.

Then it ended, and I woke up in a bit of a sweat. Maybe if I had been more comfortable I could have kept it going? I don't know. It was a bit of an experience. Definitely tops the one I had about Christina Hendricks and Meryl Streep.

It's fascinating, the little things that happen everyday. It's a wonder to be alive.

Coffee

Switching to black last has been one the better decisions of my life. Two nice steaming cups a day keep me running.

Discovered Manfred Mann a few weeks ago, loving the bulk of his discography. Laziness extended itself to a new level today, finally loaded up all the remote control apps for the laptop onto my phone today. I open the lid much lesser now.

That's all I've got for today. It has been quiet, calm and uneventful. I read a lot about Whisky though. Got some cravings. 43 days sober now. Have to hang in there for about three more months now. Then I have a 12 year old with my name on it waiting for me.

Change

Things I need to work on

• Anger management.
• Academics

Saw Jolly LLB today. New five rep max for deadlifts at 118kg today, 120 next week I hope. Had a minor fight at home. I honestly believe relations take a large turn for the better when you're Not living at home. I am living at home, but that's no excuse.

Can't think of too many musings today. Another day, another entry.

Routine

Here's the thing. I don't know what I want. I know what I want now. Now I want to finish this post quickly so it stops nagging me, finish the reading I have left planned for the day and then sleep. But I don't know what I want want.

See, I know that a decade or two down the line I might look back at this time and say
"Fool. You knew all along".

But I don't know right now alright? And this needs to be documented. So for now I have discovered what keeps me ticking. Routine.
This way, I know what to expect. Anything that is not in my routine is a welcome change. But I have some thing that needs doing and I'll be getting back to that, thank you.

I've been lifting seriously for about six months now, dicking around in the gym for a few months before that. It's based around progression. To get stronger. Three days a week, just for an hour each day. It gets me from Monday to Wednesday to Friday. To get stronger I need to eat right. Check. Much stronger than I was six months ago, and stronger every Friday than I was on Monday. Every Wednesday I haul something heavier off the floor than I did last. To get stronger and start looking better and I need to eat even righter.

So I eat the same meals every day.
If it's a gym day I've thrown a cup of black coffee into me at 6 a.m. Post workout I have oatmeal with a glass of milk to go with it. No sugar with anything. Three egg whites. Make myself a protein shake and have that too, I'll have another in the evening.
I have two cups of rice and dal and some veggies for lunch.
In the evening I might snack on some biscuits or some chaat. I'll have two rotis with the afternoon's veggies for dinner and another cup of milk. Hopefully it was chicken or fish instead of veggies.

For all of that to be worth anything I need to sleep on time. Wake up on time. Check. I need to study in the middle. Check. Do I do anything else? Now I write too.

I get the same fucking haircut every three weeks. Every week I shave clean. At the end of every week I count how many I have left till it's college entrance exam season again. I need to perform academically or get out and do something. I need to do it at the end of this summer.

But most importantly of all. I need to find that thing that I will break routine for.
You know. That thing I want want.

Writing again

It has been a long time. I set up a blogger account for my mother today and decided I would start writing things down again. I don't believe in a personal journal because I would always write in a personal journal with the expectation that it would be read some day and I, judged accordingly.

There's hardly anything personal about that.

So here are my musings for all to see. I can hardly imagine the number of blogs that introduce themselves like this. But it is important to write. It is important to record your point of view on things so that you can talk to yourself over the passage of time. For what it's worth, I believe everyone should do this. 
I have no theme. I just think I need to write. 

Won't you let me be my love?

Give me just a little longer

For I have found my quiet place

Where my mind and heart may wander